What is traumatic grief?
I was reminded of the death notification of the traumatic death of my brother while I was working with a client recently. I opened the door to see my sister-in-law being backed into the house by a police officer. Instinctively, I slammed the door in his face. I knew my brother did not come home the night before. Since my dad was a police officer, I knew that they were there to tell us about what happened to my brother and I knew it was not going to be good. I also knew if it I didn’t let him say the words (we regret to inform you……) that I knew he was going to say, then I could go on pretending that he was still alive. So, slamming the door in the officer's face was the only way to protect us from him making the death notification. The way in which you received the information of the death and who you received the news from will forever be imprinted in your brain and in your body.
Death notification is one of the most challenging tasks faced by police officers, military personnel, doctors, and other persons tasked with making these notifications. Nobody wants to hear someone they loved or cared about has died. A Sudden and unexpected death is one of the most traumatic events an individual will ever face. People will remember, often in vivid detail, how they came to find out about the death of a loved one. They will remember who came to tell them, what they were wearing, where they were standing, the noises they heard, etc. This event is ingrained in the brain and is something the individual will remember from that day forward.
Consider the following events:
An intoxicated driver traveling at 80 miles per hour crosses the highway and slides under a tractor-trailer at 2:30 AM on a Friday. The driver of the vehicle dies and the tractor-trailer driver survives.
A 16-year-old student walks into a high school and shoots 18 people, including themselves, on a Tuesday afternoon. The shooter and 13 people die.
A 23-year-old University student leaves campus to return home for the evening. He is shot in his neighborhood by a man who believed he was a burglar.
These events may not seem connected, but they have several things in common, someone died violently and unexpectedly, Someone or others witnessed the event, a community and family is devastated, and either the police, a healthcare worker, or a member of the community will be required to make the death notification.
Once the next of kin has been told, they become the next notifier because they now have to tell a spouse, a sibling, other family members, and/or friends. Death notification can be traumatic for both the person giving the notification and the person or people receiving it. It may cause any number of reactions that could include emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain.
Next week, we will discuss how death notification affects the individuals who are required to make the death notification.
If you or Someone you know is struggling with traumatic death, please contact us at Wellness First Therapy at 717-579-4400